What If?
by CaptainRikku
Summary: Post FFX - After the dramatic conclusion of her pilgrimage, Yuna must face the daunting prospect of a future without Him... One shot.


**Disclaimer: **As much as I want to, I don't own Final Fantasy! I don't own the song either!

**A/N: **Well, here is the first rewrite I've promised. As usual, when I was writing this up onto the computer from my paper pad, it changed considerably. I'm always trying to improve! I'm much happier with this version than the original (especially as it now consists of over 2000 words...the original didn't even reach 1000), and I hope you like it too!  
(_Song - 'What If?' by Kate Winslet.)_

* * *

**What If…?**

She stood silently on the weathered, old dock, staring out into the seemingly endless ocean. It seemed so calm. So still. Different to the state of her mind, the inner turmoil that Yuna was experiencing. The turmoil that had plagued her for the last few days. The few days after her journey's conclusion. She found it hard to believe that any time had passed since the defeat of Sin…and the loss of him. To her, it could have been moments ago.

_Here I stand alone,  
__With this weight upon my heart,  
__And it will not go away.  
_

She closed her eyes and heaved a deep sigh, seeing that which she missed most. Mischievous cerulean eyes, sun-kissed hair, caramel skin and a winning smile. Every time she allowed herself a moment of weakness, she wasn't met with darkness, but with the face she so wanted to see again. The skin she wanted to touch. The eyes she wanted to look into. The lips she longed to kiss. It was this desire that had compelled her to him at first, and she came to love his boundless energy, his optimistic attitude and his resolve in the face of all dangers. She'd also wanted her pilgrimage to be filled with laughter and it was he who had brought it. Since the first moment they met, she knew. She knew she wanted to be with him.

_In my head I keep on looking back,  
__Right back to the start,  
__Wondering what it was that made you change.  
_

She also knew it couldn't be. If she allowed herself to get too close, too attached, she wouldn't be able to go on, knowing how it would all end. She had distracted herself with her duties, even considered a union with another for the good of Spira. Anything to avoid temptation. Yet she was always drawn back to him and on her wedding night, instead of being with the manipulative Maester she yielded to, she was with him. Despite her strong beliefs in the sanctimony of marriage, she stayed with him and didn't even feel guilty. To be with him, to hold him and to kiss him under the waters of the mystical lake seemed like the right thing to do. For once, she listened to her heart and not her head… and for that moment, she was happy. Blissfully. But something so perfect couldn't last.

_Well I tried, but I had to draw the line,  
__And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind.  
_

There was one thing, blocking her from that perfection she wanted to endure. The looming presence of her necessary death. Necessary? Was it necessary? Couldn't she give it all up? Cease being a summoner and live life like she had always desired? With him?

Her confidence had wavered, and in those seconds of uncertainty she allowed herself to dream. The others would probably be pleased at her decision. Lulu, Kimahri and Wakka had initially despaired when she revealed her wish to become a summoner, as he father had before her. Rikku would undoubtedly rejoice, and instantly devise ways for her to live out her life. But that life would contain Sin and protecting those that she loved from its destruction was more important to her than anything. She was committed to fulfilling her duty as summoner and do her father's memory justice. That flash of pure happiness may have given her doubts, but it also freshened her resolve to protect what mattered most. Him.

Spira was depending on her. She was their only hope and she couldn't ignore their prayers. So she continued.

She had been blinded by her desire to survive, never realising that it was him who needed saving.

_What if I had never let you go?  
__Would you be the man I used to know?  
_

A Dream of the Fayth. He didn't exist. He was nothing.

To Yuna, he was everything.

_If I'd stayed,  
__If you'd tried,  
__If we could only turn back time,  
__But I guess we'll never know.  
_

A solitary tear made its way down her cheek, which she raised a hand to wipe away. He had been there to comfort her, to wipe away the tears she shed, but never again. She paused, remembering the gentle hand that had caressed her face. She could recall how smooth his palm was, though a scar or two remained from previous battles, coarse wounds he had sustained protecting her. She turned from the dock edge and began to make her way towards the centre of Luca.

"In Zanarkand, we do this to cheer on blitz players. You try it, too! Put your fingers in your mouth like this!"

"Like...this?"

"Uh-uh, not like that. Like this. Then, you just blow."

"Hey, use that if we get separated. Then, I'll come running, okay?"

A thudding of footsteps and she was at the waters edge again, where she raised her fingers to her mouth and blew as hard as she could, the shrill call echoing across the vast expanse of water, seeking some kind of response. She waited, but all she could hear were the cries of seagulls circling overhead. She was aware that it was foolish to think it would work, but if she didn't have any hope then what did she have?

_Many roads to take,  
__Some to joy, some to heartache,  
__Anyone can lose their way.  
_

Making her way to the blitzball stadium at the core of the city, the summoner was completely lost in her thoughts and memories, unaware of the approaching footsteps. It wasn't until two soft, pale hands placed themselves on her shoulders and her eyes met with a ruby red gaze that Yuna recognised the woman swathed in black.

"Lulu…"

The black mage raised a hand to Yuna's chin, cupping it gently, before placing a tender kiss on her furrowed brow. It was a sign of affection that the young summoner appreciated, but as she looked imploringly at her sisterly friend there was no hint of gratitude, only of pain and suffering. Lulu quickly realised just what it was that her friend was expressing, for she herself had been in the same position once.

"Yuna," Lulu cooed, "it's okay. We all understand how you feel…me especially. All of us miss him, but you have to put it behind you. Life has to go on. It may feel like it won't, but it does. Trust me. The sooner you realise that, the easier it'll be to come to terms with it. When I lost Chappu… it felt like everything had fallen away and all that was left was a feeling of emptiness. A feeling that blinded me. But it was you and Wakka that made me see sense. You helped me to move on. Now, it's my turn to help you. We all want to help…"

_And if I said that we could turn it back,  
__Right back to the start,  
__Would you take a chance and make a change?  
_

"I know what you're saying is right, Lulu, but I can't just forget about him-"

"I never said anything about forgetting him. I would never suggest such a thing…"

Yuna could see the pain in Lulu's eyes as she spoke, reminiscent of that she had seen when the news of Chappu's death was broken to her. She had been distraught, and it was clear that Yuna's situation was opening old wounds.

"You just have to try and accept what happened, otherwise you'll go mad asking yourself, what if…? What matters is you're alive and because of that, he will go on living. Through your memories… and ours."

_Do you think how it would've been sometimes?  
__Do you pray that I'd never left your side?  
_

The two embraced, holding on so tight for fear that the other might disappear. It seemed an age before they parted, Yuna nodding her head as Lulu's words resounded in her mind. They were words of wisdom and she would heed them. She would try to accept his passing and focus on the future, namely the address she was expected to make concerning her new position as High Summoner. There had never been a survivor of the Final Summoning, and so it wasn't clear what her title would make her responsible for. There had been many debates amongst those of authority in Spira, and they had decided that, for now, she would travel the world, addressing the cities and villages that she had saved. She hadn't had any time to rest, and the strain she had put upon herself became increasingly apparent to her with every speech she made, every footstep towards the announcers podium she took.

_What if I had never let you go?  
__Would you be the man I used to know?  
_

She glanced at the speech before her, noting the formality and the dispassionate words that often came with the speeches prepared by those in power. In every city, every address she had made was exactly the same as the last, with the minor change of location name. At first she had played along, but now, with the screaming crowd before her, she made a snap decision. If she was going to tell the world what had happened, it would be in her own words…words from the heart. She would tell them what had been sacrificed for their eternal safety.

Her mouth opened, ready to speak, but no words came out. In pace of her voice came a quiet, rasping sound, an indicator of how nervous she was. She fought against the sudden urge to run away, willing herself to find the courage she knew existed within her.

_If I'd stayed,  
__If you'd tried,  
__If we could only turn back time,  
__But I guess we'll never know.  
_

A second try and this time the rasp was replaced with a clear voice, that rang throughout the Stadium. Every word she spoke, every feeling she expressed was as clear as the sky to those who listened. The crowds who had been so vocal just moments ago, were now silent, hanging on every word that escaped her lips. She was their saviour, their high summoner… their hope. She could feel a niggling in the back of her mind, a small resentment. She wasn't solely responsible for their deliverance from Sin. What about those who would have given their lives for her? Her guardians? Him?

_If only we could turn the hands of time.  
__If I could take it back, would you still be mine?  
__Cause I tried but I had to draw the line,  
__And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind.  
_

As she neared the end of her address, she felt the prickling sensation behind her eyes that she had become so used to over the last few days.

"The people and the friends that we have lost, or the dreams that have faded... Never forget them."

As the tears fell and the crowd exploded into cheers, she chanced a look at her guardians who stood behind her, supporting her as they'd always done. Each had a warm, encouraging smile illuminating their features. Wakka nodded in appreciation, before giving her a subtle wink. They had always been there to encourage her and keep her going, and when she turned to them they all gathered around. Hands patted her shoulders, whilst others embraced her. As warmed as she was by their show of friendship, she couldn't help but feel like something was missing, well aware of what that was. Without him to comfort and hold her, she remained untouched by an event that would have melted the heart of any other. Despite this, she smiled. It was a rarity these days and the bitter tears staining her face tainted it, but to her guardians it was the happiest she had looked since that fated day.

_What if I had never let you go?  
__Would you be the man I used to know?  
__What if I had never walked away?  
__Would you still love me more than I can say?  
__If I'd stayed,  
__If you'd tried,  
__If we could only turn back time…  
_

The roars and cheers of the audience faded as Yuna passed through the door, entering the Auroch's changing room. She had only taken a few steps, when she felt her legs fall from underneath her and she fell onto the bench beside her. Her lack of rest was finally taking its toll, and she lay back, closing her eyes as she felt the solid wood against her head. For a time, she showed no sign of moving, as though she had lain there for rest. She felt as though she could just allow sleep to overcome her and she would yield to the call of pleasant dreams. Dreams of him. In reality, she would have to move on, as Lulu had said, and find a way of continuing with her life. But in dreams she could have that moment of perfection. With him. Forever.

_But I guess we'll never know…  
_

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**Please review! Constructive critiscism is very welcome!  
**


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